Ohio Who?

Did the Florida Gators play another division I-A team last night or was that my old high school team? The answer is neither. They did not play a division I-A team and my high school team would have made a better game the the Ohio State Suckeyes did. For the record, the Ohio State Suckeyes are a division I-A university and they did play the Florida Gators last night. The number 1 and undefeated Ohio State Suckeyes looked worse than the Northeast Appalachian Treehugging and Nature College.

Less than 100 yards of offense and the only bright spot was a game opening kick-off return for a touchdown which never should have counted considering the Suckeyes committed a pretty obvious hold on the play. After that it was all the Florida Gators. The Gators ran and passed all over the vaunted Ohio State defense and made the Heismann winner, Troy Smith, look like a fox in a fox hunt---scared and running. Countless times the Florida defense got to Smith with a player that came through the sieve o-line of OSU untouched.

Urban Mayer had his team prepared for this game whereas his counterpart thought the season ended when his team escaped their game against Michigan. Florida came to play, Ohio State didn't come at all.

Year End "Stupid Fucker" List

The last "Stupid Fucker" list of 2006 will be the 10 biggest "Stupid Fuckers" in the world of sports as determined by me. These are in no particular order.

1. The Anti-Christ
2. Terrell Owens
3. Justin Gatlin
4. Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong
5. Ohio State Football Coach Jim Tressell
6. Brady Quinn and Notre Dame Football
7. MLB Owners and GMs
8. The BCS System
9. Zinedine Zidane
10. The Houston Texans

1-The Anti-Christ, also known as Barry Bonds. The Anti-Christ is my most hated baseball player of all time and probably will be forever. I don't hate the Anti-Christ as a person, I have never met it, but I loathe it as a baseball player. To basically take the record book and wipe your ass with it is the most despicable thing that can be done as far as I am concerned (it barely beats out spitting on another player). Barry Bonds was having a Hall of Fame career before he became the Anti-Christ, he was the sole member of the 500-500 club (500 career Home Runs and 500 career steals). This almost assured him a spot in the Hall especially considering he was still playing and had a good 5-10 years to go, baring injury of course. Apparently being a shoe in to the Hall of Fame was not good enough for this FUCKER. Nope, not the Anti-Christ. He sees other players getting records and taking the spotlight off of him so he decides he NEEDS to take roids and start breaking records. After getting caught, the Anti-Christ claims to not have known about any illegal activity and totally denies EVER to have taken any form of roids. WHAT A STUPID FUCKING LIAR. The Anti-Christ used to be solidly built, nothing spectacular, but had good power and was quick. Now it has ballooned into a ginormously large head and neck and bulked up faster than humanly possible. Injuries were just shaken off until it had to pretend it wasn't using anymore. Once the body was off the junk the injuries lingered. Make no mistake, the Anti-Christ went from a great, maybe one of the greatest, baseball player to a junkie has been that only the stupid fuckers of San Francisco can stand. It can still hit the ball and will eventually break the most hallowed record in the books, if it can find the record underneath the Hershey stain it has left on the book, unless it suffers a career-ending injury (PLEASE INJURE THIS STUPID FUCKER). I have no problem with the record getting broken that is what happens to records, but I have a problem with the Anti-Christ breaking it. STUPID FUCKER!

2-We go from the most disrespectful baseball player to the most disrespectful football player. Terrell Owens is a loud, obnoxious, stupid fucking wide receiver that only cares about what he is getting out of any situation regardless of the consequences to the people around him. He admittedly falls asleep in team meetings, doesn't show up for practice, alligator arms passes thrown to him if he doesn't drop the pass outright. His rise to "Stupid Fucker" status was complete when he spit in the face of DeAngelo Hall, my boy from Virginia Tech. How disrespectful and uncaring about another human being can you be? To top things off after admitting that he committed the act, he then realizes it was not caught on tape so he denied it the next day. What a piece of work this stupid fucker is. Owens does not respect anybody (player, coach, ex-player, regular person, fan, etc....) and cares not what harm his actions could cause anybody, except himself. He just wants to be in the spotlight, whether that is positive or negative, he doesn't care. As long as no-one forgets him or gets more headlines than him he is happy. STUPID FUCKER!

3-Justin, Justin, Justin....what the fuck were you thinking? Another good example of a world class athlete that for some stupid reason feels the need to take a performance enhancer. In May of 2006 Justin Gatlin ran the fastest time in history in the 100m dash----9.77 seconds. WOW! WAIT!!!!!!!!!! He tested positive for testosterone on April 22nd, 2006 and ended up with an 8 year ban. What the fuck?!? Are any of the records in sports not drug-enhanced? I was ecstatic when Justin won the 100m dash at the Olympic Games in Athens. Now I am just disappointed and confused as to why he would do something like this. STUPID FUCKER!

4-The Tour de France is probably the most gruelling race of any kind in sports. To win this race is an achievement that a person should be extremely proud of. Winning it more than once is just incredible. Only 18 cyclists have ever won the race more than once. Only the last 2 (Armstrong 7 times and Landis in 2006) have been accused of doping. I say strip them both of their titles (all of them) and give it to the next person in line that didn't dope. Fuck 'em all for doping. Strip this prominent title away from the cheaters that didn't earn it and give it to the rightful winners whoever they may be. STUPID FUCKERS!

5-Jim Tressell is a great football coach. He is also an idiot. After voting in and influencing the polls for the first 14 weeks of the college football season, ol' Jimbo here decides that his vote would not be missed in the final poll (the one that publishes the coaches vote's) and does not complete his. He based this decision on not wanting to influence who his team played in the national championship game. Well dumbass you have already done that by voting in the previous 14. I think he just didn't want people to see which team he was afraid of facing in the national championship game. I hope Florida kicks Ohio State's ass. Ohio State should just hide behind their coach and stay in Ohio in the pit of cowardice their coach has dug for them. STUPID FUCKER!

6-So Brady "Crybaby" Quinn thinks the critics are giving the Notre Dame football program an unfair rap. He is tired of the criticism from the media and doesn't like hearing all the critics say how much his team stinks. Well miss Quinn it is time to shit or get off the pot. You have one game to prove that your team is even remotely good. #4 LSU is all that stands between you and being the #1 pick in next years NFL draft (although I would put you as a mid-late first rounder personally). Beat #4 LSU and the fact you played like a huge pile of elephant shit in the only two games against good teams (Michigan and USC) will disappear. Make sure you change your diaper before you take the field against LSU or you will be swimming in shit yet again. STUPID FUCKER!

7-The contracts that have been handed out to mediocre players this off-season is ludicrous. Give the owners and GM's some money to play with and they will spend every dime of it on players that should be making half as much. I mean come on $10M- Gary Matthews Jr, $11M- Ted Lilly and Gil Meche, $16M-The Anti-Christ, $16+M- Jason Schmidt, $16.6M- Carlos Lee, $16M- Andy Pettite, $8.8M-Juan Pierre, $17M-Alfonso Soriano, $9M-Frank Thomas, $9.5M-Jim Edmonds, $9.25M-Nomar Garciaparra, $10.5M-Tom Glavine, $14.6M-Aramis Ramirez to name some. These contracts are out of this world. All of these players are aging or injury prone and are going to have a hard time living up to these contracts. I bet in 2-3 years we see most if not all of these contracts on the trading block. Show some restraint owners/GMs. The fans want to win, but not at the cost of the future of their team. STUPID FUCKERS!

8-The BCS System is terrible yet again this year. Although this year the computers are not to blame. This year we can thank the coaches and media for the controversy. Michigan or Florida? Who knows, I agree with Florida getting their shot, but you could make a good argument for Michigan as well, their only loss came AT Ohio State and that by only three points. Florida lost to then #11 Auburn, a bitter rival. Other than that one game, they won every SEC game they played, including the championship. They beat LSU, Tennessee, and Arkansas. Some say the National Champion needs to win their conference/conference championship game. I agree with that--winning their conference should be a requirement. I also think that the Coaches poll should publish the way a coach votes for the entire year (not just the last week). This would prevent coaches from changing their votes for no apparent reason for the last poll. If their vote's are published they could be called out as to why they moved a team above another one. STUPID FUCKING SYSTEM!

9-Way to use your head asshole! Zinedine Zidane, for those of you who do not follow soccer, decided that trash talking against his family, friends, fans, dog, cat, french teacher, etc... was punishable with a head butt directly to the sternum of Italian player Marco Materazzi. This could have seriously injured Marco, but whether or not Marco got injured is not the reason Zizou made this list. Zizou is regarded as one of the greatest soccer players of all time. He was always considered a fair player and won FIFA World Player of the Year a record tying 3 times. Real Madrid paid an astounding 66M Euros in a transfer fee to get him to their team. No other transfer fee in history has come close to this sum. So why would he jeopardize such an astonishing career by getting red-carded in the final match (the WORLD CUP FINAL at that) of his storied career for head-butting another player? Good question and as far as I am concerned there is no good answer. He should have let whatever was said go and finish the match. France ended up losing that match to Italy. Largely in part to the fact that their best player and spiritual leader was not on the pitch. STUPID FUCKER!

10-The Houston Texans are complete idiots for not taking Reggie Bush as the #1 pick in last year's NFL draft. Not that Mario Williams is a bad player, but he is not the impact player that Reggie is. Reggie is an all around player that would have brought a new dimension to the Texans offense. At least he would have been a great outlet for David Carr to dump the ball off to before he got plastered into the turf. The Texans would rather see Carr looking to the sky (sacked and on his back)than provide him with serious offensive threat. Good thing they still suck so they can maybe get a lesser player with their first round pick this year. STUPID FUCKERS!

Well, there you have it, the 10 stupidest fuckers in the world of sports, as far as I am concerned, for this year. GO VIRGINIA TECH!!!!!

Weekly "Stupid Fucker" List

1--The Anti-Christ
2--The Boston Red Sox
3--Rich Rodriguez
4--Notre Dame Football
5--NCAA Awards Committee
6--Philadelphia 76'ers
7--Alabama Football

1--The Anti-Christ will play yet another year of baseball-----Dammit!(SOMEONE PLEASE INJURE THIS FUCKER!) A friend of mine asked me the other day why I hated the Anti-Christ so much, after all it hasn't been proven that it used steroids. The stick of Pittsburgh turns into a Giant behemoth with a ginormous head and no neck, hhmm......proof enough for me. In fact, that got me thinking, and I am here by officially changing my stand point from a previous post. I had said that I would vote the Anti-Christ into the Hall of Fame until actual evidence of its steroid use appeared. Well no more, I will never vote the Anti-Christ into the Hall of Fame. McGwire was always huge, so he may or may not have used roids, but the Anti-Christ has not always been huge. Steroid monkeys are stupid fuckers and the Anti-Christ is one of the worst.

2--My beloved Red Sox have made the list twice in a row now. PONY UP dammit. They are not willing to pay Matsuzaka what he should be making. If Kansas City can give Gil fucking Meche $11M a year for 5 years then the Red Sox need to pony up and give this Japanese pitching sensation at least the $12M Scott Boras is asking. If he is even half as good as advertised then they got a #1 or #2 starting pitcher at a bargain by today's standards.

3--The West Virginia football coach, Rich Rodriguez, backed away from the Alabama coaching job just one day after he had accepted it. What a loser. He signed a 7 year contract with WVU just this past summer and recruited players for the WVU football team under the pretense that he would be the coach. A lot of players make up their minds about where to play college football and ultimately get a higher education based on the coach. Apparently the contract he signed in June wasn't good enough for him so he told Alabama he would coach their football team. So now WVU has to sweeten the pot (thanks to Ken Kendrick) to give this fucker an extension to a contract he just signed not 8 months prior. I guess the $1M a year he is making is not enough to live on in West Virginia. My ass! The sad thing is the respect he has lost with his team. He claims the reports of him originally accepting the Alabama job are completely false and I am sure his team will say they respect him more than ever, but you know deep down they are unsure if(when?) he will jump ship for a better offer. The seniors might not care too much since they are about to graduate or move on to the NFL, but the ones he just recruited in which I am sure he said he would be a WVU a long time. They might not be so non-judgemental. Stupid Fucker.

4--Saying I hate Notre Dame football is one of the biggest understatements in the history of mankind. STUPID FUCKERS

5--Who comes up with the awards handed out at the end of the season? Here is the list and what they are given for:

• Bronko Nagurski Award--Most Outstanding Defensive Player
• Buck Buchanan Award--Div I-AA Outstanding Defensive Player
• Butkus Award--Outstanding Linebacker
• Chuck Bednarik Award--Defensive Player of the Year--isn't this the same as the Bronko Nagurski Award?
• Davey O'Brien Award--Most Outstanding QB
• Doak Walker Award--Premier Running Back (must be in good academic standing)
• Fred Biletnikoff Award--Most Outstanding Receiver
• The Heisman Trophy--Best College Player?
• Jim Thorpe Award--Best Defensive Back
• John Mackey Award--Best Tight End
• Johnny Unitas Golden Arm Award--Best SENIOR QB
• Lou Groza Award--Best Placekicker
• Maxwell Award--Player of the Year--isn't this the same as the Heisman?
• Outland Trophy--Best offensive or defensive interior lineman
• Ray Guy Award--Best Punter
• Rimington Award--Most Outstanding Center
• Ted Hendricks Award--Best Defensive End
• Vince Lombardi/Rotary Award--Best Offensive or Defensive Lineman that also displays the discipline of Lombardi the most--WHAT?
• Walter Camp Award--Player of the Year--yet another player of the year award, this one is voted on by the coaches and sports information directors as opposed to being voted on by the media.

I wonder if I petition the committee that comes up with these awards for an award named after myself if I would get it approved? Call it The Vonsteiner--awarded to the offensive or defensive lineman that weighs the most. I didn't see an award for that. If the Heisman is the most prestigious award/trophy in all of college football then why do we have to offer TWO other player of the year awards? Isn't a Defensive End a defensive lineman? Too many awards. Here is my list of awards(All awards will be voted on by the media, coaches, directors, etc...):

• The Heisman Memorial Trophy--Keep this one in. It is the most recognizable college football award. It would stand for the Player of the Year(offensive and defensive).
• Butkus Award--I think he was the greatest defender of all time so we will keep this one in there. Defensive Player of the Year(unless he is the Heisman winner).
• Unitas Trophy--Offensive Player of the Year(unless he is the Heisman winner).

Get rid of the rest, no one gives a fuck about them anyway. Who really pays attention to the best placekicker award? Name the last 3 winners of that award right now......you can't do it because no one gives a fuck. NCAA Awards Committee = Stupid fuckers

6--The Philadelphia 76'ers are a bunch of dolts. They have publicly announced that they will be trading Allen Iverson. They have even gone so far as to clean out his locker and essentially kicked him off the team, but are still paying him....DOH! Why announce this when every team in the NBA already knew you were shopping him around for the best deal? The 76'ers were getting better offers over the summer when they were UNofficially trading him. Stupid Fuckers.

7--The Alabama football program should never have fired Mike Shula. He was doing a pretty damn good job considering he was just now getting his class into the system and was working with a limited number of scholarships (not his fault). He lost some very key players(D Ryans and B Croyle stand out to me) and still finished 6-6. 6-6 may not be more than average, but it got the team invited to their record 54th straight bowl game. They should have given him another year at least. Now they are coachless and can't pay anybody enough to take the job. Tell you what Alabama, I will take the job. 500K a year, a house, and moving expenses. There ya go coaching vacancy is filled. Stupid Fuckers.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this weeks version of the "Stupid Fucker" list. Tune in next week when a brand new list will be unveiled. Votes will be taken and maybe even counted to determine who should be on the list. Remember, don't fart on a plane unless you can do it silently.