Weekly "Stupid Fucker" List

1--The Anti-Christ
2--The Boston Red Sox
3--Rich Rodriguez
4--Notre Dame Football
5--NCAA Awards Committee
6--Philadelphia 76'ers
7--Alabama Football

1--The Anti-Christ will play yet another year of baseball-----Dammit!(SOMEONE PLEASE INJURE THIS FUCKER!) A friend of mine asked me the other day why I hated the Anti-Christ so much, after all it hasn't been proven that it used steroids. The stick of Pittsburgh turns into a Giant behemoth with a ginormous head and no neck, hhmm......proof enough for me. In fact, that got me thinking, and I am here by officially changing my stand point from a previous post. I had said that I would vote the Anti-Christ into the Hall of Fame until actual evidence of its steroid use appeared. Well no more, I will never vote the Anti-Christ into the Hall of Fame. McGwire was always huge, so he may or may not have used roids, but the Anti-Christ has not always been huge. Steroid monkeys are stupid fuckers and the Anti-Christ is one of the worst.

2--My beloved Red Sox have made the list twice in a row now. PONY UP dammit. They are not willing to pay Matsuzaka what he should be making. If Kansas City can give Gil fucking Meche $11M a year for 5 years then the Red Sox need to pony up and give this Japanese pitching sensation at least the $12M Scott Boras is asking. If he is even half as good as advertised then they got a #1 or #2 starting pitcher at a bargain by today's standards.

3--The West Virginia football coach, Rich Rodriguez, backed away from the Alabama coaching job just one day after he had accepted it. What a loser. He signed a 7 year contract with WVU just this past summer and recruited players for the WVU football team under the pretense that he would be the coach. A lot of players make up their minds about where to play college football and ultimately get a higher education based on the coach. Apparently the contract he signed in June wasn't good enough for him so he told Alabama he would coach their football team. So now WVU has to sweeten the pot (thanks to Ken Kendrick) to give this fucker an extension to a contract he just signed not 8 months prior. I guess the $1M a year he is making is not enough to live on in West Virginia. My ass! The sad thing is the respect he has lost with his team. He claims the reports of him originally accepting the Alabama job are completely false and I am sure his team will say they respect him more than ever, but you know deep down they are unsure if(when?) he will jump ship for a better offer. The seniors might not care too much since they are about to graduate or move on to the NFL, but the ones he just recruited in which I am sure he said he would be a WVU a long time. They might not be so non-judgemental. Stupid Fucker.

4--Saying I hate Notre Dame football is one of the biggest understatements in the history of mankind. STUPID FUCKERS

5--Who comes up with the awards handed out at the end of the season? Here is the list and what they are given for:

• Bronko Nagurski Award--Most Outstanding Defensive Player
• Buck Buchanan Award--Div I-AA Outstanding Defensive Player
• Butkus Award--Outstanding Linebacker
• Chuck Bednarik Award--Defensive Player of the Year--isn't this the same as the Bronko Nagurski Award?
• Davey O'Brien Award--Most Outstanding QB
• Doak Walker Award--Premier Running Back (must be in good academic standing)
• Fred Biletnikoff Award--Most Outstanding Receiver
• The Heisman Trophy--Best College Player?
• Jim Thorpe Award--Best Defensive Back
• John Mackey Award--Best Tight End
• Johnny Unitas Golden Arm Award--Best SENIOR QB
• Lou Groza Award--Best Placekicker
• Maxwell Award--Player of the Year--isn't this the same as the Heisman?
• Outland Trophy--Best offensive or defensive interior lineman
• Ray Guy Award--Best Punter
• Rimington Award--Most Outstanding Center
• Ted Hendricks Award--Best Defensive End
• Vince Lombardi/Rotary Award--Best Offensive or Defensive Lineman that also displays the discipline of Lombardi the most--WHAT?
• Walter Camp Award--Player of the Year--yet another player of the year award, this one is voted on by the coaches and sports information directors as opposed to being voted on by the media.

I wonder if I petition the committee that comes up with these awards for an award named after myself if I would get it approved? Call it The Vonsteiner--awarded to the offensive or defensive lineman that weighs the most. I didn't see an award for that. If the Heisman is the most prestigious award/trophy in all of college football then why do we have to offer TWO other player of the year awards? Isn't a Defensive End a defensive lineman? Too many awards. Here is my list of awards(All awards will be voted on by the media, coaches, directors, etc...):

• The Heisman Memorial Trophy--Keep this one in. It is the most recognizable college football award. It would stand for the Player of the Year(offensive and defensive).
• Butkus Award--I think he was the greatest defender of all time so we will keep this one in there. Defensive Player of the Year(unless he is the Heisman winner).
• Unitas Trophy--Offensive Player of the Year(unless he is the Heisman winner).

Get rid of the rest, no one gives a fuck about them anyway. Who really pays attention to the best placekicker award? Name the last 3 winners of that award right now......you can't do it because no one gives a fuck. NCAA Awards Committee = Stupid fuckers

6--The Philadelphia 76'ers are a bunch of dolts. They have publicly announced that they will be trading Allen Iverson. They have even gone so far as to clean out his locker and essentially kicked him off the team, but are still paying him....DOH! Why announce this when every team in the NBA already knew you were shopping him around for the best deal? The 76'ers were getting better offers over the summer when they were UNofficially trading him. Stupid Fuckers.

7--The Alabama football program should never have fired Mike Shula. He was doing a pretty damn good job considering he was just now getting his class into the system and was working with a limited number of scholarships (not his fault). He lost some very key players(D Ryans and B Croyle stand out to me) and still finished 6-6. 6-6 may not be more than average, but it got the team invited to their record 54th straight bowl game. They should have given him another year at least. Now they are coachless and can't pay anybody enough to take the job. Tell you what Alabama, I will take the job. 500K a year, a house, and moving expenses. There ya go coaching vacancy is filled. Stupid Fuckers.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this weeks version of the "Stupid Fucker" list. Tune in next week when a brand new list will be unveiled. Votes will be taken and maybe even counted to determine who should be on the list. Remember, don't fart on a plane unless you can do it silently.

Fear the ROID RAGE!!!!!

Fantasy Football playoffs are here. Well, one week away, so I would like to touch on the season that could be for my team (ROID RAGE) and the season that should have been for my lovely wife. Lets start with my season to date:

Standings:
4th and long--10-4--2335.57pts
Using the Force--9-5--2159.33
Roid Rage--8-6--2320.27
Canesrule--7-7--2078.50
Red Bull U--5-9--2055.14
Fifth Down--3-11--2260.74

Week 1--Lost 182.65-180.23 (0-1)
Week 2--Won 176.33-140.73 (1-1)
Week 3--Lost 161.93-118.38 (1-2)
Week 4--Won 179.05-160.20 (2-2)
Week 5--Lost 164.22-137.74 (2-3)
Week 6--Won 205.27-182.78 (3-3)
Week 7--Lost 117.98-109.71 (3-4)
Week 8--Won 160.93-125.51 (4-4)
Week 9--Lost 196.08-145.61 (4-5)
Week 10--Won 169.09-141.60 (5-5)
Week 11--Lost 138.78-128.95 (5-6)
Week 12--Won 227.05-177.46 (6-6)
Week 13--Won 186.78-141.06 (7-6)
Week 14--Won 195.15-151.43 (8-6)
Week 15--This week
Week 16--Round 1 of playoffs
Week 17--Round 2 of playoffs

As you can see the three game winning streak at the end has put me in at the third seed for the playoffs for now. So even though I had an up and down beginning to the season, it is turning out to be pretty good. My wife on the other hand is not doing so well (she is Fifth Down). This is her first year playing Fantasy Football and it has been much fun playing with her. She has a great team that has seen more bad luck in one fantasy season than I have seen in all my years of playing. Her team could easily be at least 10-4 and in the playoffs. Lets break down her season to this point:

Week 1--Lost 150.75-145.39----Close game but no real standouts that would have changed the game either way. (0-1)
Week 2--Lost 156.70-148.38----Adrian Wilson of the opposing team scored twice his average. IF he scores is average, the wife wins 148.38 - 143.93 (0-2), could be (1-1)
Week 3--Won 157.86-137.08 (1-2 or 2-1)
Week 4--Lost 178.06-148.13----Both teams had people step up or suck. Biggest person going against the wife was Santana Moss deciding to get his only touchdowns of the year (3) in this game. Wouldn't have changed the outcome. (1-3 or 2-2)
Week 5--Won 164.22-137.74 (2-3 or 3-2)
Week 6--Lost 233.77-190.43----4th and Long had several players have career games, but they still would have won. (2-4 or 3-3)
Week 7--Lost 181-156.58----Hines Ward and Michael Vick went off for Using the Force. Alge Crumpler had a great game for Fifth Down but Matt Leinart sucked more than a vacuum cleaner. Put each one of these 4 players at their average and the wife wins 150-141. (2-5 or 4-3)
Week 8--Lost 184.23-173.38----Jake Plummer, Marc Bulger, and Reggie Wayne had great games well above their average. Put these guys closer to their averages and the wife wins again. Shit, just put Reggie Wayne down closer to his average and the wife would have won.(2-6 or 5-3)
Week 9--Lost 162.66-148.54----Brady blew more than a porn star. put him around his average and the wife wins again (barely 162.81-162.66) but a win is a win.(2-7 or 6-3)
Week 10--Lost 169.09-141.60----would have been closer if San Diego defense hadn't tanked against Cincinnati. (2-8 or 6-4)
Week 11--Lost 208.20-189.55----Lee Evans was 24 points above his average. Put him 3 points above his average and the wife wins--189.55-187.2. (2-9 or 7-4)
Week 12--Lost 184.1-170.98----Joseph Addai decided to have the biggest game of his short career--4TD's and a whopping 27 points over his season average. Give him 10 points over and the wife wins 170.98-167.1. (2-10 or 8-4)
Week 13--Lost 161.75-154.83----DeMeco Ryans obliterates his average by more than 30 points. Take away 3 tackles and his int and the wife wins again 154.83-153.75. (2-11 or 9-4)
Week 14--Won 170.87-147.58 (3-11 or 10-4)
Week 15--This week
Week 16--Bye--First round of consolation round
Week 17--Consolation Round

So as you can see, all it takes is one player to give you a win or loss. Of course, the rest of the team needs to do their job and get close to their average each week otherwise the break-out performance will be for naught.

When the wife agreed to play fantasy football this year I was ecstatic. I knew I could help her with my giant fuzzball of knowledge and the experts at ESPN and Yahoo. Well, my giant fuzzball is now a tiny dust bunny waiting to be swept up from the corner of the bedroom. All the advice I have given her based on my knowledge and the experts went against her. She has lost all confidence in my knowledge :(.

She now plays fantasy basketball. Yesterday one of the fools in our league offers her the trade of a lifetime---Shawn Marion for Udonis Haslem (straight up). She showed me the offer and I said she should take it. She balked at me (she is crushing the league BTW) and said my advice is no longer good and she will no longer be listening to anything I have to offer. It was a sad day in my household. My already dwindled knowledge ball of football now has company with the even smaller dust bunny--my basketball knowledge (this wasn't that big to begin with). I told her that even though she likes her team the way it is, Shawn Marion would be a ginormous upgrade.

PS. She did eventually accept the trade for Shawn Marion.